Post  #2593.   From the mouths ..     While walking the aisles in our lovely Safeway, recently remodeled, I spotted a couple of customers who were very much unlike the usual folks who shop there. A young couple, very cute, who anyone would guess had to be newlyweds. They were completely wrapped up in each other, having a wonderful time. Not a pda at all, just absorbed in themselves and oblivious to the world around. While they inspected each item carefully, they had only one thing in the cart, some produce I think. I went on to the pharmacy.

About twenty minutes later, I saw them again on the way out. Same behavior, but now they had two things in the cart, a jar of something. So cute. I sure would like to watch them do it.

To the topic .. the lad was trying to be good as he sat with his parents, listening to the very, very famous person speak. No one paid attention to his squirming anyway, enraptured as they were by voice of the speaker. He did go on and on, but they loved it. What happened next, who would have ever imagined, the boy stood straight up and exclaimed loudly, Maaaaa! Oh, Maaaaa, that sonofabitch is stark-fucking nekkid!

The very next morning, our economy completely collapsed.Rick Macherat Rick M. In the day.
posted by Rick at 12:54 PM

Post  #2592.   The American Express card.     I got my first one when I was twenty-two, couldn't wait to use it and have the swiper say, "Oooo, an American Express card. You must be important or rich or both." Nobody said that. Nor did they ever say it when I upgraded to the Gold card at around age twenty-eight. Finally, I got the PLATINUM CARD, and again I was fairly young. No one ever noticed, nor did they comment that I must be well-to-do since I could afford a couple of hundred dollar membership just for a card I use twice a year (once to pay the dues and once when I remembered to use it.) Does this sound pretty stupid, so far? Yeah, I think so too.

Obviously, I have long-since given up the silliness and only carry a good old green card in case I'm ever in Mongolia and need some help. Never contemplated The Black, but I understand the thinking of people who do. Besides, American Express makes sure you have money before they issue that one.

I'm writing this today because the bill just came. Zero starting balance, zero charges, zero due. If I figure right, that's about the 540th monthly bill they've sent me, and they are getting more and more sloppy-looking every year. This one was ten pages long! Of course, you have to wade all the way through the damned thing to make sure your card number isn't on any of the pages before discarding it without shredding. Is that annoying enough to justify however long it took to type this? Yes, I think so. Rick Macherat Rick M. In the day.
posted by Rick at 12:13 PM

Post  #2591.   Speaking of aiming ..     One day I said to my college roommate, Watch this, bet I can bounce it out, whereupon I tossed a Q-tip in the wastebasket. It stayed in. Again. After awhile, we made it interesting: I was to receive $25 each time I bounced one out and he the same when I didn't. Huge money for us in those days when we might budget $100 for "other" to last an entire semester. We kept it up. Finally, he said, I gotta get going, man. Got accepted for grad school, North Dakota State. I owed him a little under four million dollars. The years passed. With his Ph.D. and my annual payment, he's done well. Me, not so good. About half my annual pay at the rendering plant goes for the bet. I still toss Q-Tips and, funny thing, I never think about the bet until the danged thing bounces out of the trash can. Every time. Every goddamned time for the last forty-three years. This week, I started wrapping a piece of two-sided tape around the device and sticking it to the very bottom of the wastebasket. The wife takes care of it. She hasn't asked. She knows me. At last a little peace.Rick Macherat Rick M. In the day.
posted by Rick at 11:28 PM

Post  #2590.   Aim effectively.     When I have to shoot somebody, I always aim for the face. Since I'm a very good shot, the face is where I hit. If you wing an assailant in the arm or leg, chances are they'll keep coming, oblivious to the injury. This is especially true if they are drughappy or just rage-crazed. The face shot will stop them cold if it doesn't kill them on the spot, and sometimes you'll get a very surprised, Hey! You shot me in the face! Of course, that usually comes out, Ayumpf. Oo wot e unna waaas! or some other hilarious variation. Rick Macherat Rick M. In the day.
posted by Rick at 2:40 PM

Post  #2589.   So .. this is how it starts.     I stood at the open refregerator, certain for a change of why I was there. It's Sunday, time to prepare my grocery list. Scanning the fairly empty shelves, I made a mental note of what was needed. Easy .. I'm so good at shoplisting, I marveled at myself, Hold on, wot's dis? It was the bottle of olive oil. Seems I put the olive oil in the icebox after using it with the fish & chips. Now I'm not even sure we had fish & chips. I guess we need to record this date, 20 May 2012, as when it began, the senility. (Uh, not to alarm you or anything, but we recorded the date some time ago. Years actually.) Oh. Rick Macherat Rick M. In the day.
posted by Rick at 11:28 PM

Post  #2588.   Next Tactic.     I covered a Glue Board with a piece of saran wrap, and I'm going to put it out tonight with a sample of something delicious right in the middle. Now, the mice communicate among themselves, I'm certain of that now, so they know to avoid the glue boards. I'm betting that the smell will be so inviting that one of them may test with his little rat pinkie and discover, "'Allo, wot's dis?" - it isn't sticky anymore! I'll let this go on for a few nights, allowing them to feast on their lovely new banquet table, then WHAMMO, I'll replace the harmless board with one fairly oozing with the strongest grade professional hellish rat-trapping glue I can come up with. I actually got the idea while making copies of glue boards. Since the mice/rats avoid them maybe, I thought, they might avoid a copy that had a little glue board smell wiped on it. Worth a try and cheaper than the boards which I'm using up in vast numbers. Catching mice?. Sadly no. Catching brother and me. We'll not talk about that just now. Making the copy was odd, since the machine copied all the bits of hair, dust and who knows what else that was on the thing. Realistic enough that I didn't want to touch it - just a piece of paper. I'll let you know how it turns out. Well, maybe I will and maybe we won't be talking about this either. Incidentally, after about ten years and thousands of posts, mostly short, and over 20,000 visits that were probably not me, no one has ever read the advisory at the very bottom of the page. Which is just more proof that people don't have time to be bothered with reading s*** anymore. (I was thinking s*** but just didn't feel like going crass tonight.) Anyway, tomorrow I'll post a copy of my Privacy Policy - the only thing keeping the U.S. Postal Service alive. Rick Macherat Rick M. In the day.
posted by Rick at 12:05 AM

Post  #2587.   Rats.     They're probably just mice, smart nasty fat mice. I've gone totally Willard on this, and they're enjoying it. One disturbing thing I've figured out: when they leave droppings, they think it's a gift. Like they're thanking me for all the food they find. It's hard to imagine where they are finding anything to eat or drink, what with the way I've locked up this fortress. It is also a little puzzling to realize they like this little game, especially when I kill a few of them.Rick Macherat Rick M. In the day.
posted by Rick at 12:44 PM